Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Sandal Fighting

Fighters square off and attack each other with their dirty sandals. Points are given for clean hits. Double points are given for cheek slaps. Standard three minute rounds apply.

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Face Fighting

Another concept that I have been thinking about is this form of fighting where people get in each others faces and scream at each other, until one of the fighters gives up or loses their voice.

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Competitive Downhill Skipping

I have this concept for Competitive Downhill Skipping sport where competitors will skip down really steep hills. Speed skipping will take place on roads, and freestyle skipping will take place on ski slopes in the Summer.

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Manteca

Manteca

Manteca is spanish for lard. Here is how you use it in your everyday activities:
"Can I have another slice of manteca please?" Manteca has many uses, including cooking. I once used manteca to lubricate something, but that was an emergency. It is one of my favorite words.

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Monday, December 11, 2006

I have this dream

where a big fiber rope is getting pulled through a wooden box suspended in darkness, and every now and then a knot in the rope comes through and it gets forced through the hole by whatever is pulling on the rope. It seems like the rope goes on forever. Does this have anything to do with naughty naughty?

h

Saturday, December 9, 2006

Dogs are cool.

They will even wag their tail when you ask them "Want put to sleep?"

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Friday, December 8, 2006

Fetus in fetu soup

2 lb cooked rice noodles
cilantro
fish oil sauce
2 jalepenos
1 lb Fetus Sausage
1.5 lb Fetus in Fetu
Basil

Optional:

Corn tortillas

Thinking about buying a Yak.

The family needs a Yak for milk and cheese. Any ideas on if this is a good time for Yak ownership?

h

Thursday, December 7, 2006

How to cure a haunted house

1. Walk into the middle of the house and then call to the ghost.
2. Hold a gas can up over your head and declare to the ghost that this is your house and that you are willing to burn the house down if they cannot be a productive part of the family.
3. If the ghost does not act better, then burn dowse yourself and the whole house with gas and burn it all down.
4. Now go find the ghost and beat the helll out of the ghost.

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I had that dream where I was ...

the vanilla part of a chocolate vanilla swirl.

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My favorite part of ice dancing is

when the girl gets launched into space.

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Are you lonely?

Out there is someone more lonely and more messed up than you. Cheers!

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If drinking hobo spit would make you immortal would you chug it?

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This Mexican Soap Opera had this plot one time where

Two light skinned Mexicans had a black baby. What happened here?

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Chicken Buttock Part

Is that fatty little thing on a chicken near its buhutt actually its buhutt? Does anyone eat that part?

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Extreme Bobber Watching

This is an idea for a show where some heavy metal plays while the camera focuses on the bobber, then it gets really quite and you can hear the dude breathing all hard, then the bobber twitches and some guitar sounds, then the bobber goes down, then the music starts up all loud and extreme.

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Timothy The Sucker

The other day I hooked a sucker on the Colorado River, right on the nose. I drug him up into the bushes and left him for dead. I fished another 20 minutes and went back to see if the sucker had frozen solid yet since the air temp was about 15 degrees.

The sucker was still breathing and flopping here and there, so I took him back to the river and pushed him back in. He took off right away, no problems. I named him Timothy. He is now a prophet and messiah to all the other suckers there.

Here's to Timothy the Sucker.

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13 Donkeys

I want to rig 13 donkeys in a circle and have them all kick the same guy at the same time.

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Does it bother you when something is fatter than you?

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Circle of life in my backyard

While I was grilling up dinner my dogs killed some Robin chicks while their parents attacked them from the air. I found the third chick and got it out of the yard so that the cats can have some action too.

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Who has been stunned at the sight of a chunky?

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PDB - Por de backside

Por de backside came to me one day at work when I overheard someone getting yelled out. The person yelling at this accent that sounded part Spanish, part Indian. Later in the day I started singing a nice little song I named "Por de backside".

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Can you do this?

Eat fish (bone-in, chinese style), chew thoroughly and extract flesh and juices from bones/tough/unedible parts, spit out the bones/unedibles, and talk -- all at the same time?

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Would you buy a party pack if it came with

a rubber mallet and corn cob, or lawndarts?

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New Energy Drink - Bull's Milk

From the makers of Red Bull.

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The Secret Life of Fatties

Will be on PBS tommorow night. Some good footage of closet cake banging.

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Is eating a bucket of chicken

self medication?

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One thing that would heal America

If Martha Stewart were to marry Snoop Dog.

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New Spa treatment

A Corn Cob Cactus leaf scrub with lime and salt.

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Have you ever known a person who punches themselves in the head

when they screw up?

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Little Jerry

I took Little Jerry out for some fishing at Deckers and Little Jerry banged some hogs on a San Juan Worm, then he fell down and scraped the side of his head. I went back to the bus and got his little white helmet and we kept fishing. Go Little Jerry Go!

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Was baby Jesus Black?

Well.

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Touched by an Angel?

What if that "Angel" weighed 375 pounds and was lonely?

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Can anybody here swallow a watermellon whole?

Hmm?

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Favorite brand of Combat thong?

I have a camping trip coming up.

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Who gave their fish a good pumping last night?

Just wondering what they ate for lunch.

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Crouching Mandingo Hidden Kielbasa

This should be a good movie.

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While doing research I found this ....

If A Silverback Gorilla Fought A Grizzly Bear...

" WHo would win?

I know that a Grizzly can swipe a mans head off with his paws but the silverback has a really really thick neck.

The largest silverback gorilla was 6'5" and 300lbs, i think. An average grizzly bear is like 8'-10' tall and 1,000 lbs.

The baer has the claws, the teeth and the size advantage. The gorilla has thumbs, tremendous strength (when trained to do so, a male silverback can dead lift 2,000 pounds with ease) and has the near human intelligence to formulate a plan of some sort.

Myself the gorilla wins after a gruesome and bloody battle.
He who sheds his blood with me, shall be my brother!"


Very thought provoking.

Dr. Hingeworth

Does anybody here know the Pony Dance?

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Youthful Optimism

Remember when we were young and full of optimism and had big balls that the world would bend to our will. What happend?

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If you eat to much pig, you end up looking like a pig.

Well, there ya go.

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I know everyone thinks their kid is cool, but

my kid is really cool.

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Envy

Some guy was talking about envy on the main board, but what I want to know is this: "Do you envy my shorts?"

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What we really need is ....an unconditional underwear warranty.

an unconditional underwear warranty.

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What would scare you more ....

A charging red butted baboon, or a charging moose?

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Defensive Strategies

What is the best way to stop 20 million charging Chinese armed with wooden spoons? No WMD allowed.

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New Show

I am developing a new show called "Your On Fire". All I know so far is that someone will be lit on fire as the finale.

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My new book

"The Gentleman Warthog"

Still in the planning phases.

h

Confession

You know I have always tried to be honest with you and open about my life. So I need to tell you today that part of what you have heard and read is correct. I am addicted to lard. I first started taking lard some years ago when my doctor prescribed it to treat post surgical pain following ingrown toe nail surgery. Unfortunately the surgery was unsuccessful, and I continued to have severe pain in my toe and also in my other toe due to hammer toeitis.

I am still experiencing that pain. Rather than opt for additional surgery for these conditions, I chose to treat the pain with lard. This medication turned out to be highly addictive. Over the past several years I have tried to break my dependence on lard and, in fact, twice checked myself into medical facilities in an attempt to do so. I have recently agreed with my physician about the next steps. Immediately following this post, I am checking myself into a treatment center for the next 30 days to once and for all break the hold this highly addictive, but yummy medication has on me.

So, I will only say that the stories you have read and heard contain inaccuracies and distortions, which I will clear up when I am free to speak about them. I deeply appreciate all of your support over this last tumultuous week. It has sustained me like a good chunk of fatback.

Hinji Bullpanty Scroatis

The Lifeless Bowl

This past summer my brother and I spent a week scouting out new water. We chose 10 spots on a map and planned our route accordingly. The locations were a mixture of rivers and lakes.
We started each day at 3:00AM and were on the road by 4:00AM. After about the fifth day I was getting pretty beat down from getting up so early and doing all the driving. My brother kept saying that it was his vacation after all.


When we got to the lake, I was a little disappointed; the lake looked like a small lifeless bowl, so I told him that I would probably sleep in the truck while he fished.
While I was relieving myself next to the truck I noticed him catch and release a fish. As I started to get ready for my nap I noticed him catch another fish. As I tried to close my eyes for a nap I saw him catch another fish. This went on for about ten minutes with more fish caught.

With each fish he caught I was getting less and less tired, by about his tenth fish I was running down the hill with all of my gear. It did not take long to get into some fish with my black bugger. We did pretty well that day.

On our way out of there, we just giggled a little and promised to never tell anyone the name and location of that lake.

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Is stomping suckers out of fashion? (Situation Ethics)

Well, is it?

Movie: Alien vs. Predator

I think this movie really sucked. I would rather see Predator vs. The Jackson Five.

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Timothy The Sucker

Timothy was this little sucker I threw up on the snowbank one cold winters day. I kicked him back into the water after about 20 minutes. He swam away. Was Timothy the "Highlander" of Sucker fish?

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Dancing for World Peace

I want to recruit dancers for a new project I am working on. I want these dancers to dance for world peace on all the battle fronts of the world. Even if they lose a leg, they should hop. If they lose both legs, then they should do the worm until their heart stops.

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Henry the Stump Footed Yak

Henry was a stump footed Yak. He stumped up and down the river all day long trying to catch a trout. To make matters worse Henry was a little deaf in both ears from years of exotic dancing in San Francisco. Anyway, I met Henry on the river one day passed out on the bank. I felt sorry for Henry and taught how to fish, and to not stump where the fish is, but to stump his foot where they aint. He caught some fish that day and I felt good about helping him out. If you ever get to the river and the fishing is slow, just wait a little bit for the fish to calm down. For you know, Henry stumped that hole.

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Skanking

A dance where the dancer jumps in a rhythm similar to skipping and swings one hand out to their side and then back in and across their body while kicking the opposite leg out- then doing the same with the other arm and leg and repeating.

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